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by Gish (not his real name) *
©1974/1998

'Twas the night before Grossmas, and all through the house,
All the creatures were grossing out, even the mouse.
The sweatsocks were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes Alice Cooper soon would be there

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
With visions of sick things dancing in their heads
And Ma in her see-through, and I in my brief
Had just settled our differences for a long winter's sleep

When out on the lawn, I heard such a noise
I had to get up and throw stuff at those boys
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Ripped off the shutters and tore up the sash

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave a luster of sickness to objects below
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But BOA CONSTRICTORS, ALICE COOPER, AND BEER!

The driver--so gross, so disgusting--so super!
I knew in a moment, must be Alice Cooper
So putrid those snakes, his coursers they came
And he barfed, and he belched, and he cursed them by name

Now Slimer, now Slippery, now Bloody and Beaten
On Grosser, on Barfer, on Belcher and Cretin
To the lip of the toilet, Away, 'fore I fall,
Now gross away, gross away, gross away all

As pus from a pimple that's ready to burst
When given some pressure comes flying out first
Through the picture window those coursers they flew
With a sleigh full of sick things, and Alice Cooper too

Then in the next room, I heard with a quake,
The thrashing and retching of each fright'ning snake
Then, in a trance, to the next room I was led
In time to see Cooper fall out of the sled

He was dressed in bright snakeskin, from toe to his ear,
And his clothes were all stained in vomit and beer
A bundle of sick things were flung on his back,
And he looked like a junkie just opening his stash

His eyes, how they drained, his skin, Oh how sallow
His cheeks, all sunk in, his demeanor, so shallow
His thin little mouth was twisted up in a sneer
And the beard on his chin was greying and drear

The stump of a joint he held tight in his teeth
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath
His trunk was all bloated, his life's last hurrah
His skin must be sagging, like he needed a bra

He was sick and disgusting, a vain little imp
And I gagged when I saw him, my guts they did crimp
A drip of his eye and a blow of his nose
Soon gave me to know, better keep on my toes

He pissed in the corner, then went to his work
He filled all the sweat socks, and laughed like a jerk
Then placing his finger next to his crotch
He lowered his drawers and gave it a scratch

And onto his snakes, a kick with his feet
They squirmed out the window like all were in heat
Yet I heard him spew forth, as he flew out of sight
Happy Grossmas to all, and to all a Gross Night!

*Author's note: No Marilyn Manson Substitutes

Grossmas - Home     Grossmas Culinary Festivities     The Night Before Grossmas     The Day After Grossmas     The Grossmas Tree     Grossmas Carols     The Gross Pictures